18 January 2016

Neo Maxi Zoom Dweebie

My daughter is a square.

Band geek (flute loop), honor society, wants to study physics, has an aversion to drugs and alcohol, nice penmanship; like, what fucking part of my egg did this thing come from?
Thoughtfully helpful, understanding and sympathetic, clear-headed and astute, perceptive, broad-minded and non judgemental; like, are we certain she's of this world? 
Compassionate, emotional, caring, sensitive; like, no really, did she fight the evil twin to death in utero and absorb all the human powers?

Unfuckingbelievable, this child of mine.
It's been a rough road, this I know for certain. There were times along the way when every footprint metaphor in the book came into play. Worn through the souls and the shoes, that's for damn sure. I sometimes forget that for the better part of the last two decades, the kiddo had no choice but to travel the path that I was on.
The highway was my way.
She managed to eek out her own cuts through the dirt on the side of the road here and there over the years. There have been a few potholes, a speed bump or six hundred, and a lot of traffic jamming shit up; and all the while the road was never her own.
Graduation will change that I suppose. Not that I've accepted the inevitable, just making a generalized observation about other people with children who may be graduating high school and wanting to make decisions on their own. Not that it's happening in my life, oh no.
I'm totally not in denial.
I'm quite happy in the knowledge that kids move out of their parents' homes later and later in life with this generation. I encourage another decade, at least, of living at home.
That "my life" bullshit will eventually pop up, I just know it. It will be something innocuous, too; her vetoing my Meat Silverware invention attempts for the fiftieth time (jerky spoons, for fuck's sake!). She'll walk into the kitchen and just throw her arms up in exasperation when I ask for help peeling strips of cured beef from the walls. Again. There will be sighs, she'll call me "mother." She'll tell me she has no desire to eat her food with dried meat. She'll probably say negative things about soup. 
Not going to lie, that will sting. 
I know that the road she will fork out on is coming up around the bend. 

I hope her path runs right next to mine for a good long while. 
Until I die and she plants me in a tree, so at least I'll always be along the way.

But before the highway gets too divided, I need to share some of my own rules of the road. ("Make with the Head" is an understood rule, under the Jay and Silent Bob clause.)
The life lessons that I impart here need to be concise and beneficial, and of the utmost lasting wisdom. I'm on rocky ground as it is, what with her morals being way (waaaaaaaay) above mine to begin with; and I need to round out the journey into her 18th year with just the right amount of deep-rooted conviction that maybe I know what I'm doing.
I don't.
But I'll give it a fucking shot.

Joleen Doreen's Go-To Guide for Functioning
1. Be Happy.
If you can be anything, be happy. Or just be, but laugh while you do it.
2. Unravel
Life is already wound too tight to get caught in the trappings of being tied up. Let go. Have loose ends. Pull some strings. Be fucking plucky.
3. Don't fuck married men.
Just fucking don't.
4. Sing
There's a song there somewhere; find the music, write the words. And always bring car tunes.
5. Don't do drugs that can kill you.
6. See the beauty
In You. In the world. In pain. On the way. Behind the meaning. In art. In You. 
7. Create.
It'll kill you if you don't. (see rule 5)
8. Dance.
It doesn't matter if anyone is watching, just fucking do it. Dance with all the rhythm that you feel. FEEL THE RHYTHM. Belong to the Night, Safety Dancing, because the Commissars in Town, being Silent in the Trees, and there's Kooks Everywhere! 
Shake your butt like a weird pig.
9. Don't fuck married women either.
Just fucking don't. Stay the fuck out of other people's relationships. You'll have enough of your own, you don't need other people's. Find enough of your own. Date everyone. Do everyone. Do what makes you happy. Fuck like monkeys. Don't fuck a monkey. Fuck ten fucking monkeys. Face it head on. Never take it above the chin (adopt a "Chin Down" policy). Don't do awkward. Never be ashamed. Never let it hold you back. Never hold back.
10. Love
As much as you can, forever.

I've had a hard time with the rules over the years. I'm not a big fan of regulation, as regulation is the whore of authority, and authority and I have a contentious past. But you need a map every once in a while, if for nothing other than to point you back to a direction that's not careening out of control. 
Getting lost is ok, that's bound to happen with my mother's genes. Finding yourself is a lot more eventful after you've been lost.
Find your way.
Never go away.

I'm not the boss of you.
Write your own fucking rules.

At least it's an abstract square.