Because I was as fat as the wheelhouse.
Unlike other legendary monsters, there is plenty of photographic evidence of the mammoth that was my ass. However, I will not be posting one. Instead, here is a lovely picture in which neither my height nor my weight can be conclusively determined.
I don't pee outside near as much anymore. Call it growing up, or zoning laws, or whatever. When I lived up in the Hills to Nowhere there were far more instances when I was comfortable pissing among the petunias. Now that I live in the city I almost always pee in the toilet. And I don't grow petunias. I do have a cactus.
I've lost some weight and obviously I'm all sorts of civilized now. I've picked up a few college degrees here and there, and for some reason I just keep going back for more. Like crack, but with society's forgotten struggles. Labor History, Women's Studies, Civil Rights, American History, Shower Dancing. You know, the fields of study that mean something. I'm over here with my cactus changing the world. One prick at a time.
I write and I run. I enjoy riding a bike. I read and I take classes on American Art and Literature. So what if I want to take a leak on some flowers now and then?
But, no, times have changed.
Now I keep the fat jokes trimmed down, I limit outdoor peeing to emergency situations (10pm-4am only), and I try to avoid contact with the stupid pricks. Also, I didn't know you had to water a cactus. And I won't pee on the cactus.
Can't promise booze doesn't change all of those.
I know my weaknesses: I have a propensity to speak my mind and a lack of subject filter. I'm a little fucking crass, or so I've fucking heard. Pussies. I refuse to give up on an argument, a relationship, or a pack of Keebler Soft Batch Chocolate Chip Cookies. I've got an icy stare and this one fucking asshole tried to call me a bully once. But it was a bullshit claim, because I'm 4'11". I demand loyalty, intellect, and compassion and have yet to find a single stooge that meets all three. I like three stooges. Sometimes four. And Six. Depends on the month.
I'm stubborn and I procrastinate. I "have a problem with authority" (SAYS THE MAN). I don't like change, criticism, or the final season of Air Wolf.
I have an addictive personality and I like to get shitfaced.
Booze is a bitch.
Or maybe I'm a bitch, and booze is just there.
Booze gets me in trouble.
Or maybe I get in trouble, and booze is just there.
It's all a blur to me.
Either way, I peed on the petunias.