19 July 2014


Adulthood is a lot like moldy cheese. It's gross and I don't like it. And it always smells like butt.

I've been working on that, whataya call it, "de-cor-um", or whatfuckingever. Dealing with situations that require restraint, refinement, and level-headed non-emotional reasoning. AND I'M A GODAMN FUCKING PRO AT IT. Well, nearly there. I still have a little work to do on the restraint. And the refinement. And the level-headed non-emotional reasoning.
Other than that, nearly fucking there.

Everyone thinks they are in control of their children, but could you really be the boss of your child? Would you, in all of your knowledge of their flaws, willingly hire your offspring to serve in your employ? And I don't mean those mom & pop get-ups that put junior behind the hoagie counter, I mean would you, under no obligation, make the decision to add your kid to the team of people you require to complete tasks for meaningful financial compensation?
On one hand, an understanding of work ethic is already well-established. On the other, kids are assholes. And nobody wants the asshole at work to follow you home and bitch about dinner. Then your sonofabitchin kid would steal your lunch too, you know they would. You'd have to stand in the breakroom with a fake smile on your face, trying to convince the skinny bitch from upstairs that you really intended to skip lunch and only brought food to be sure your kid ate at all. 

We don't want our kids to work, not really. We just want them to stop spending our money. We don't want to shove them out there into the workforce. Push them into the world of douchebags and dickheads. The ones you've been dreaming of punching in the face. We don't want them to become bitter and hopeless, no motivation save for the desire to punch people in the face. Or worse, we don't want them to become the asshole that needs punched in the face. 
We want them to stay sweet and optimistic. Full of light and wonder for the possibilities of an engaging career that stimulates the mind and challenges the limit of abilities. We want them to surround themselves with like-minded individuals with a common goal of success. We want them to be young forever, a wonderful source of laughter and joy in our lives, in spite of the burdens of adulthood that weigh us down.
We want them to increase the permission slip to three people.