01 February 2014

Bubble Lights

Hey there.
Let me ask you something.

Did you think THIS is where you would end up being?

Half past the prime of your third decade, slinging back double shots of cheap Kentucky bourbon at 8 am while trying to make the tiny words on the screen tell a story. Spent your entire Friday night in smelly pajamas since the cat isn't able to articulate "your ass stinks" into more than a few feeble meows. Slept curled up on the floor of the hallway; the day's dirty hoodie for a blanket and a rolled-up towel upon which to lay your head.
Mesmerized by the way empty beer bottles were illuminated under the Bubble Lights that line the length of the cramped corridor, you fell into a restless slumber only to awaken mere hours later. Blinking away the glow of vintage baubles to see the cat shaking his head in disapproval, images of the night's foolish dreams still swimming around the sides of your head. The bubbles of your childhood Christmas decorations rising in mocking rhythm, each tiny air pocket bursting in a furious attempt to pop an "I knew this would happen if I hung around" into the quiet air.
No? Just me?

Even putting the failed relationships aside (waaaaaay aside, please) I know I'm not the greatest success story in the world. 
Or at all. 
I mean, sure, I managed to squeeze out a pretty decent kiddo and I scrape by on barely making it. I've sold a few written things here and there, enough to fund my beautiful girl's extra-curricular activities. (Who knew that Jazz Band, Marching Band, Color Guard, Indoor Guard, Band Camp, and Orchestra could cost so damn much? I think we may be nearing the point where my teenage years of drug abuse and felony charges were a damn bit cheaper. Fuck.) Eh, She's worth every penny I s'pose.

I guess I've learned a few things along the way. Even your sisters can be whores, for example. Another one would be: don't drink Absinthe on an empty stomach.
Or, Never trust management.
Avoid growing up for as long as possible.
Laugh with your children.
Don't stare at bubble lights.
Be Creepier.
Feed the cat before passing out in the hallway.
(The basics, really.)

But I've never grasped the reason behind long-term positive goals, and now I'm not sure how to start setting them. Do I begin with the obvious?
Don't Die Right Away.
This may seem like the "gimmie" of a long-term goal for most people. But with the killer cooter and the dead brother and the self-destruction, not dying myself has really been something of a tricky task. Each and every time I wake anew I take a second to smile that my eyes opened again.
Sure, sure. Sometimes my eyes are crusted with lousy decisions and I reek of whiskey and regret, but  damned if I'm not awake.
I'd like to keep doing it. Living. Eh, for a while I s'pose.

Ok, that seemed easy.
Let's set another long-term positive goal. 
Be Sad Less. 
Not today or anything. Just overall. 
Doesn't really look good for February though, what with the brother's deathday being on the 10th and all. I will try not to be as disheartened as the day has made me in the past, but you can be sure as shittin' that it'll be a shitfaced occasion. There's no better way to celebrate a deathday. (That bother ya'll? The use of "deathday" like it's a real thing? It bothers my kiddo. Maybe this year I'll forgo the balloons in favor of something more serious. What shape piƱata says "my brother kicked the bucket today"? A donkey?) Eh, he's worth the bad day I s'pose.

All this positivity. 
I feel absolutely confident that I'm not screwing up this long-term goal-setting thing at all. 

Alright, I can think of another.
Do Something.
Not sure what. Rather not get too specific. This goal may change.

Uck. You know what else?
Don't Do Something.
You know what. No need to get specific. This goal should never change.

Well, some of the optimism sure seems to have suddenly left the list making process, but since we're down here I'm adding
Don't Fuck Up (as much)
and editing the name to Long-Term Reasonably Attainable Goals, If I Want To Try.
That seems more like me anyway. 
The positivity was making my head hurt.
Eh, I s'pose.

Maybe tonight I will sleep in a bed. I could even move the bubble lights into my room.
I'll make it Goal Number One.