21 July 2013

Everything Nice

It's illegal to beat other people's children.
Seems unfair, at first. I'm sure everyone has an occasion or two when the obvious solution to a situation would have easily been smacking some little toddler dickwad right upside the ass. (And seriously, let's quit with the charade of the "terrible two's" and call a douche a douche.)
But then comes the time when reason and/or felony charges makes you understand that it would be wrong to beat other people's children. If not for nothing, at least for the reason that it would allow others to beat YOUR children.
And this will not do.
Just as sure as I am about whacking a whistlepig in warm weather, I know for certain I would gut and quarter the first sorry sumbitch that laid a hand on my monkey.
Turns out, they grow out of the douchebag phase. Oh, it takes awhile, but eventually kids end up being pretty fucking cool.
At least mine did.
Sorry if your kid sucks.

All things considered, I still recommend not liking your kid anyway. It's not easy letting them grow up when you like them. Things happen in life, you see. UGLY things. Things that have made us bitter and depressed, unstable and blogging. Things like heartache and pain and that last stupid season of Twin Peaks.
It looks like the only recourse is to continue to nurture the inner asshole in our kids. Build up a good amount of disdain and contempt for them in general. Encourage toolbag behavior to ensure they never become involved in other personal relationships.
It's too late for me.
My kid is, by far, already too awesome to keep other people away. I tried macing people that knocked on the door but the delivery guy was getting angry. Being crazy didn't scare visitors away either; forewarned or followers, they were prepared for my personality.
I am helpless to stop them all from falling in love with my daughter. Hell, I was unable to stop myself. Every drop of emotion I am missing was poured into the kid, and I know she will love them all back.

I implore you now, take a minute to piss off your children. The more they ignore you, the less you will care when they suffer through their first real breakup. Laugh in the face of misery and raise a horrible teenager who has no social skills.
Because you can't shove them back into the little monkey suit once they get out.
I've been trying.